This is an article I'm hoping to get posted on the website http://www.cracked.com/ some time soon. This is only going to be on the wiki for a short period of time, so read it while you can, and please tell me how good it is. It's not finished, by the way.
The glamourous world of children's entertainment has, and always will be, a risky business. For every Sesame Street and Teletubbies, there's destined to be a huge array of other, more obsucure kids' shows that for some reason or another just didn't get popular enough to become a household name, or hell, even be remembered.
It could be for a multitude of reasons, a low-budget to guarantee a show not getting any more sequels, a lack of interest, low availability, and also, being freaky as shit like these shows were.
The reason that this show is so low on the list is because apart from just one particular segment, this show was just boring. It was about a little orange puppet boy with what seemed to be a severe case of elephantiasis of the face who went on extremely exciting adventures, like getting all bitchy about losing a spelling bee.
Gripping, isn't it?
During the show, some segments came in to add absolutely nothing to the main plot, unlike in Sesame Street, where the skits were at least somewhat related to the episodes plot by being connected to the letter or number of the day. These segments were all of course about cute things like songs and poems, and there were also segments that featured a delightful character named Binney the Brush.
Wait, Binney the Brush? Aww, that sounds just plain sugary sweet! I bet Binney's an adorable little animated paintbrush who draws pictures of trees or some other pretty looking shit. Man, I can't wait to see this little guy! So, tell me, what does he look like?
"Have I ever told you kids about the sixties?"
Whoa! Holy shit, that's Binney the brush?! What kind of psychopath would put something that freaky looking on a damn kids' show? It's like what would happen if a hippie somehow mated with a paintbrush, which somehow created the devil himself.
Ah, let's just forget about how he looks; I bet he at least sounds cute, or at the very least friendly.
Ahhh! What the fuck?! I'm sorry, but that is not what a character on a kids' show is supposed to sound like. For whatever reason, this fucker sounds exactly like a man whose been through the jungles of 'Nam without a cup of water to prevent the paints from mixing together, or at the very least an angry drunken stepfather trying to connect with his mistreated son through a cutesy arts and crafts project.
In fact, I bet when the cameras turn off, he goes over to Gilbert's house, looks up pictures of nude lady paintbrushes on his computer, chugs down a bottle of whiskey, tries hitting on Gilbert's mom, and then finally passes out on his couch. Surely it couldn't get creepier than that... can it?
4. New Zoo Revue
This show is a lot older than Gilbert, and it seems to have been much more memorable, since a lot of people who grew up in the early-to-mid seventies seem to have fond memories of it; but since most people who visit this website seem to be way younger than those people, I think that this one would fit right into this list, after all, it's definitely not H.R. Pufnstuf.
DEFINITELY not H.R. Pufnstuf.
The show centered around the exploits of a group of three zoo animals who were taught valuable lessons about things like bragging, sharing, patience, and the miracle of life.
Wait, what the fuck?
Uh, well, I guess you've at least got to give the show credit for tackling a subject that most other kids shows wouldn't dare to go near. The miracle of birth is a serious matter, so it should be taken seriously... with the assistance of the gay school librarian who is always eager to strike up a conversation with you when you're checking a book out and a trio of costumed actors dressed as animals. Brilliant!
Oh, but the fun doesn't stop there my friends. As we've all imagined, working on a sweet, innocent kids' show really can get to the actors. No one knows how soon it happens, or why, but all we know is that when it does, it is absolutely hilarious.
WARNING: If you grew up with this show, your childhood will be ruined forever upon viewing the following clip.
Huh, so I guess that's why Sesame Street never wanted Bert and Ernie to be viewed as a gay couple.
No, not the guy from Saw, though that name seems quite fitting nowadays considering what made this show infamous. Jigsaw was a British game show that was first aired in the late seventies and ended its run in the early eighties.
The show was hosted by two people - one of whom was a mime artist, fittingly enough - and a giant puzzle piece puppet named Jigg, whose creepiness compared to the character I'm about to show you makes Adolf Hitler look like Santa Claus.
The basic premise of the show was that in each episode, a puzzle was presented to the audience for the viewers to solve at home before the end of the program, during which the answer was given to you. Like in many other kids' shows at the time, there were short skits in it, which in this case were used to help the viewers come up with the answer to the daily puzzle by solving smaller ones which were related to the answer. Confused yet?
Anyway, one of these aforemented skits involved a man simply known as Mr. Noseybonk, whom many people also refer to as 'the creepiest fucking thing ever put on a kids' show.'
Yeah, so as you can see, the Brits certainly don't kid around when they're making characters that will appeal to children. Menacing smile reminiscent of a monster clown? Check. Cold, dead eyes that stare directly into the soul? Check. A talent for growing phallic objects out of seeds quite plainly called 'NOSEGAYS'? Oh, that's a big check!
Rock on, Noseybonk. May your talent for traumatizing young children and even fully-grown adults help you acheive your goal of becoming the world's greatest dildo farmer.
Uhh, just as long as you stay the hell away from the country I live in. Then we're totally cool.
2. Little Marcy
Alright, guys, let me tell you the basic plot of this series before I describe it in further detail: A horrifying puppet and her group of brainwashed followers learn how to work for their all-powerful leader.
I'm not even exaggerating. That is the actual plot of this show, put into the most accurate way of wording it possible.
Okay, fine, I might have been exaggerating a little bit, but just watch this video.
"Jesus wants me for a zommmbieee..."
Holy fuck. Do you want to know why some people have a fear of puppets? Do you want to know why some people find Christians to be creepy as hell? Little Marcy.
This little abomination was created by musician Marcy Tigner, who after showing a talent for preforming with a childlike voice, was encouraged to take up the art of ventriloquism. With all due respect, I'm not quite sure that this woman was entirely sane, I mean, she thought that a puppet that looked like a combination of Chucky and a baby doll from hell would appeal to kids.
Guess what? It doesn't.
1. Peppermint Park
If you're like most people, you've probably wondered what would happen if Sesame Street was moved to another part of the street. Instead of the catchy theme song, you got a lame one with stock footage of kids playing. Instead of the shenanigans lovable Big Bird and Cookie Monster, you got two grotesque looking dinosaurs with improper body proportions. Instead of relatable human characters like the kindly old Mr. Hooper and Gordon, you got the flamboyant magician Ray Pierce.
What if I told you that show you just imagined actually existed?
One of the many, many ripoffs of Sesame Street that were so prevalent through the video era, Peppermint Park is pretty much an entire textbook on how not to make a children's show.
Let's start out with the puppets. Oh, my god, the puppets. They are perhaps one of the most effective uses of the uncanny valley phenomenon to date. Notice how unproportional to the body their heads are, how much they all look like reanimated corpses, and their incredibly irritating voices.
Now how about the songs, this one being the worst by far. They're so simplistic that a five-year-old could've written them, have terrible rhymes, and are about as memorable as waiting for a bus.