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The New Greeting

[Elmore Junior High schoolyard. Gumball has a finger in Darwin's mouth.]
Gumball: No? [Takes his finger out]
Darwin: No, I don't think USB-ing will replace the high-five.
Gumball: Maybe it's the name. What about..."digit-docking".
Darwin: I don't think the name's the problem. Although admittedly that name would be a problem.
Gumball: Oh, how about a more manly version of the classic French greeting? Okay, do this. [Puts his arms up as if flexing]
Darwin: [Flexes]
Gumball: [Kisses Darwin's biceps] And now you kiss my guns.
Darwin: [Looks him up and down]
Gumball: Too manly?
Darwin: [Nods] ...yeah.
Gumball: What about the dog salute? [Barks, imitating a dog with his hand]
Darwin: Uh, maybe?
Gumball: [Sniffing noises]
Darwin: What's that?
Gumball: They're sniffing each other's backsides.
Darwin: Eh, I suppose that's still better than what Tobias does.
Gumball: What does he do?
Darwin: Starts kinda normal with a high-five but then, right after, he gives you a slap on the butt.
Gumball: [Offended] That's outrageous! Exactly the sort of unpleasant macho behavior that my new greeting will eliminate. The nerve!
Darwin: Here he comes.
[Tobias enters the schoolyard and greets his friends.]
Tobias: Hey. [High-fives Leslie and smacks the back of his pot]
Leslie: [Outraged] Oh!
Tobias: Hey Idaho, my bro-tato. [High-fives Idaho and slaps his butt]
Idaho: [Sent flying] Aah!
Tobias: Alan, my man! [High-fives and "butt"-slaps Alan]
Alan: Ow!
Tobias: Hey big guy, put it right there. [High-fives Hector then climbs up his leg to slap him]
Hector: Ow.
[Tobias walks up to Gumball and Darwin.]
Tobias: Hey dude, gimme some fin! [High-fives and butt-slaps Darwin] Hey man. [High-fives Gumball normally then walks away]
Darwin: What? He did it to everyone except you!
Gumball: Psh. Yeah I know, I wouldn't, like, take that, you know?
Darwin: You're lucky. You're literally the only guy he doesn't do it to.
Gumball: Yeah I know I'm- I'm lucky. Yeah. [Sad face]

Quest For The Slap

[Gumball, Darwin, Tobias and others are in gym class.]
Coach: Okay, that's time, wrap it up.
[Everyone starts heading to the exit, where Tobias waits to "high-five" classmates as they leave.]
Tobias: Good game! [High-fives and butt-slaps Anton] Well played. [High-fives and butt-slaps Darwin] Catch you later-
Gumball: [Looks at Tobias eagerly]
Tobias: Uh. Good job!
[Tobias reaches out his hand to Gumball but his legs extend so that Tobias' hand is at butt level. They awkwardly shake hands. Gumball lets out a disappointed sigh and hits his head on the door frame as he walks out with his legs still extended. The school bell rings, Gumball is in the hallway peeking around a corner to spy on Leslie and Tobias.]
Tobias: I'm telling you man, Masami winked at me this morning! She went like this: [Closes both eyes slowly]
Leslie: Technically if you close both eyes it's blinking.
Tobias: Nah, double the winks, double the trouble dude! Anyway, catch you later. I gotta go wiggle my eyebrows at her. [He high-fives and slaps Leslie then walks to Gumball]
Gumball: Oh, hey man.
Tobias: Oh, uh. [They high-five] Hey.
[Gumball presents his butt to Tobias, wiggling his eyebrows and smiling at him.]
Tobias: Uh, yeah... Gotta go. [Walks away]
Gumball: [Serious tone] You will slap my butt today, Tobias Wilson, even if it's the last thing you do- [Normal voice] Wait, if it is the last thing he does today it would probably be at bedtime, which is kinda weird. Rephrase! [Rewinds] Even if it's the last thing you do...before the end of school.
[He starts running and spots Tobias.]
Gumball: [Winded] Hey, hey.
Tobias: Hey...again. [They high-five]
Gumball: [Stares]
Tobias: Uh, see you later.
Gumball: [Squints] Aren't you forgetting something?
Tobias: No, I don't think so... See you!
[Tobias tries to walk away but Gumball's butt extends to stop him. He manages to squeeze through along the wall and runs away.]
Gumball: Oh, come on!
[Gumball's butt suddenly retracts, knocking Darwin out.]
[School bell rings. At the school cafeteria, Leslie chokes on his food. Tobias slaps his back, saving him. Witnessing the scene Gumball pretends to choke.]
Gumball: Help, help!
Tobias: [About to slap Gumball]
Gumball: One moment. [Stops choking, bending to show his butt instead]
Hector: I got this! [His hand breaks through a window and slaps Gumball into the camera, shattering it.]
[In music class, Tobias plays the drums lined up in front of him, sees the last one is Gumball's butt and hesitates for a second before deciding to hit a crash cymbal instead. Gumball stands up, glares at him and walks off. In the next scene, Tobias tries to swat a fly with his hand. Gumball jumps in butt first, knocking the desk over and crashing into something offscreen. Finally, at the library, Tobias opens a book and Gumball's butt pops out of it.]
Tobias: [Gasps]
Darwin: Dude, what are you doing?
Gumball: [Head pops out of Darwin's book] I don't know anymore.

Gumball's Despair

[The Wattersons' house. Gumball looks out his room's window. He starts singing "My Lonely Backside And I"]
Gumball: Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not good enough.
Is my butt not hurt?
Is it not inviting?
And is that the reason, for Tobias' slighting?
I only want a pat, just a tiny bump.
A casual little "Hey there!" for my lonely rump.
I feel I have a duty, to defend my sad behind.
It's not the finest booty, but it has feelings so do I.
I don't wanna sound whiny, but I feel bad for my hiney.
I just needed someone here, who would gently touch my rear.
To be friendly, to be fair, to respect my derriere.
[Sheds a tear] I'll just give up and cry.
My lonely backside and I...
Darwin: I'm not sure that warranted a song. Look, maybe you should just let it slide for once. I know it's not easy, but you've still got me. I'm here to help!
Gumball: [Wipes a tear] Thanks dude. I knew I could rely on you.

Tricking Tobias

[Gumball and Darwin are in the school hallway peeking around a corner.]
Darwin: When I said "help", I didn't mean "help you trick Tobias into slapping your butt."
Gumball: Shh, here he comes.
Tobias: [Whistling]
Gumball: So. When he goes to give you the slap, you jump out of the way and I get it. [Slaps his own butt]
Darwin: Dude, do you really-
Gumball: [Shoves Darwin in front of Tobias]
Tobias: Hey, what's happenin' Dar-wizzle? [High-fives Darwin]
[When Tobias is about to slap Darwin's butt, Gumball pushes him out of the way and presents his butt instead. In slow-motion Tobias realizes who he is about to slap, he slaps his own face and knocks himself out.]
Gumball: Noo! Now he'll never slap me on the- Oh wait. It still counts if he's unconscious, right?
Darwin: [Silently shakes his head in disapproval]
Gumball: Yeah, it counts. [Grabs Tobias' limp arm] Aaand, I just realized this is wrong on so many levels.

Bonding with Tobias

[School bell rings. Gumball and Darwin are sitting in class.]
Darwin: If it means so much to you, why don't you ask Tobias directly?
Gumball: Hey! I'm not a beggar, I'm a chooser.
Darwin: Maybe he thinks you guys aren't friends enough for this kind of...contact.
Gumball: So, you're telling me I need to [Evil voice] lure this hopeless fool into the deadly web of my friendship.
Darwin: You're making it sound creepy. How about you just be nice to him?
Gumball: [Evil voice] Yes! Gain his confidence then stab him in the heart with the burning blade of my friendship.
Darwin: Yeah, that sounds even worse.
Gumball: [Evil voice] Infiltrate his tender heart, so he will lay his hand on my-
Darwin: You know what? Let's just...skip to the moment when you fail.
[School bell rings. Tobias is eating at a table in the cafeteria.]
Gumball: [Evil voice] Here, friend, have some of my dessert. Lap it up. [Shoves a spoonful of food into Tobias' mouth] Lap it up good. [Maniacal laugh]
Tobias: [Spits] Look buddy, if you don't back off I'm gonna have to get physical! [Raises his hand threateningly]
Gumball: [Evil voice] Yes! [Presenting his butt] Use your anger and fall into my trap, you worm!
Tobias: I haven't touched you and I already feel like I need to wash this hand. [Walks away]
Gumball: Oh, or we can just take it slow!
Darwin: You know, you can't just force a friendship like that. It takes time, and a lot of shared experiences.
Gumball: You're right! Nobody remembers the good times, it's the really bad times that bring people together.
Darwin: Yeah you see, you're missing the point again.
Gumball: I will put Tobias through such an emotionally scarring, physically grueling experience, that he won't slap my butt when it's over: he'll kiss it! [Runs off]
Darwin: Wait, what the- Where are you going?

The Bromance

[Tobias opens the door to the school's roof.]
Tobias: Masami? Are you there? [Reading a note] "Dear Tobias, meet me on the roof after school, double wink. Masami. P.S. Clips your nails." ...what?
[The door to the roof shuts. Gumball sits behind it, with ruffled fur and dark circles under his eyes.]
Gumball: [Panicking] No no no no! The door, the door!
Tobias: What are you doing here?
Gumball: What took you so long?! I put that note in your locker two days ago!
Tobias: Well, you're supposed to let girls wait. Otherwise it makes you look too desper- Wait a minute. You tricked me!
Gumball: Yes. But that's completely irrelevant now. We're trapped up here and nobody's gonna be here 'til Monday morning! What are we gonna do?!
Tobias: We'll do what real men do. SURVIVE. [Pounces on Gumball, chewing on his leg]
Gumball: [Screaming] No! What are you doing?
Tobias: We both know it's gonna happen at some point. And I'm clearly the alpha here.
Gumball: I'm the one who hasn't eaten for two days! [Starts eating Tobias] This isn't working.
Tobias: There's only one thing for it: we're gonna have to work together.
[They start singing "Stay Alive"]
Gumball: Companionship is needed,
Tobias: When you're in a rut.
Gumball: And when you have succeeded, you can slap each other's-
Tobias: Back!
Gumball & Tobias: You gotta do what you can, you gotta make a new plan,
And then you will survive
You gotta work with your buddy when the situation's cruddy
And you might just stay alive
Tobias: This seemed a good idea,
Gumball: But I think I should've stopped ya.
The end is gettin' near, what we need's- a helicopter!
[A helicopter is flying near the building.]
Gumball & Tobias: We gotta signal the guy, so he can see us from the sky,
And then we will survive
[They remove their arms and legs to form letters on the roof.]
Tobias: I got a spare leg!
Gumball: Just throw it away.
Patrol officer: "Need help?" No, I'm fine, thank you!
[The helicopter flies away.]
Gumball: [Angrily] What- what were you thinking?!
Tobias: [Angrily, at the same time as Gumball] Aw, this is your fault!
Gumball: [Angrily] Why would you put a question mark at the end?!
Gumball & Tobias: So we're both gonna croak from the rain or sunstroke,
Cause friendship's not enough
You can forget the bromance,
Cause we stand a better chance with actual survival stuff!
[Birds circle overhead as if about to feed on Gumball on Tobias, who are visibly dehydrated.]
Tobias: We're not gonna make it. And we're in this mess because of you! You're a...a fool!
Gumball: Yeah? Well, you look like a clown's armpit!
Tobias: [Tears up] That's hurtful because it's true. Well, your legs are so short you hover when you break wind! [Sheds a tear into his shoe and hands it to Gumball] Okay it's full!
Gumball: [Drinks]
Tobias: How does it taste?
Gumball: ...better than the other option.
Tobias: We're never gonna survive this. But before it's over at least tell me, why?
Gumball: All I wanted was one of your little butt slaps.
Tobias: But, I thought you would hate that!
Gumball: I just wanted to be included and... [Sighs] It got out of hand. And now I have to pay my taxes to this giant nostril.
Tobias: What?
Gumball: I usually file through my accountant, but he is in Boca.
Tobias: Dude, I think you're hallucinating. [Looks at Gumball, who looks like a realistically drawn cat with a human face] And your face looks like a cat, but not enough.
Gumball: [Looks at Tobias, who looks like a colorful alpaca] Yeah, you don't look too good yourself.
[Gumball and Tobias lie down.]
Gumball: I think...this is the end.
Tobias: I see...
Rocky: [Leans over Tobias]
Tobias: I see the Grim Reaper. He looks like a high school dropout chicken Kiev.
Rocky: Hey! I didn't drop out, I flaked out. Whatcha doin'? Me and Darwin have been lookin' for you guys for days.
Gumball: [Yelling] What took you so long?!
Darwin: You ran away before telling me where you were going! I think this whole experience can teach you a valuable lesson: you should never hound a friend just to get them to slap your butt.
Gumball: Darwin, thank you. Thank you...for reminding me the point of all this, I had completely forgotten! I have to get him to slap my butt!
Darwin: [Exasperated sigh]

The Slap

[School bell rings. Tobias greets his friends as he walks through the hallway.]
Tobias: Hey. [High-fives and butt-slaps Juke] Hey man. [High-fives and butt-slaps Leslie] Hey G-Ball, how you doin'? [He high-fives Gumball, then gives him a smack on the butt]
Gumball: Oh! [Outraged, he slaps Tobias' face] How dare you?! You've got some nerve, young man! There are rules in this society and casually slapping people's butts is not one of them! [Storms off grumbling] Someone has to take a stand...
Tobias: [Facepalms]
[Episode ends]
veTAWOGEPISODESfont Transcript
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