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The Quest is Offered!

[An armored skeleton sits on a throne in a room illuminated by only a few rays of sunlight. It wields a spear in one hand and a shield in the other, sitting as if still watching over the space before it]
Narrator: In an age long forgotten, legend speaks of an unsung hero. Some call him "The Couch Crusher," to others he is known simply as "The Oncoming Wind." But to a special few, he is known as—
Gumball, Darwin & Anais: Dad!
[The scene cuts to Richard sleeping on the couch at home, in the same pose, the spear replaced by a broom, the shield by a half-eaten pizza in its box. Anais, Darwin and Gumball surround him. They are all poking him impatiently, to no avail]
Gumball: Wake up!
[Gumball pokes his arm all the way into Richard's face]
Gumball: Gah! My arms are too short to reach a nerve!
Darwin: Why do we wanna wake him up anyway?
Gumball: Because, it's completely unfair that he gets to veg out all day while we have to go to school!
Anais & Darwin: Hmm!
[Nicole passes behind them as they continue their futile poking]
Nicole: If you want him to wake up, you have to use the magic word.
Gumball: "Please?"
Nicole: No, "bacon."
Richard: [Suddenly wakes up] YES!
[A bus honks outside]
Nicole: Come on guys, you're gonna be late for school.
Gumball: Why does he get to sit there all day?
Nicole: He doesn't! He has a very important list of chores to do while I'm at work.
[She shows a list to Gumball, which reads: "To Do List: (1) Get mayo."]
Gumball: "Get mayo?" Where's the rest of the list?
Nicole: Well, I've never seen him make it down to two, so... [Shrugs] Eh.
Richard: Hey! It's not as easy as it looks.
Gumball: You're right, I'm sorry. [Dramatically] Please be careful, O, father, on this dangerous and mighty quest!
Richard: Thank you!
Gumball: I was being sarcastic.
Richard: Thank you?
Gumball: [Closing the front door as he leaves] Never mind.
Richard: [Examining the list] Hmm... [He raises his broom and sunlight dramatically shines on it]
Narrator: And thus begins our hero's quest. He shall not rest until he has returned with the sacred sauce. [The broom tilts as Richard falls asleep] Or maybe he shall quickly rest for a little bit—then go on his quest for the sacred sauce... [Richard is still snoring] Uuu-uuurgh! Let the quest begin!

The Quest Begins!

[Richard jumps to his feet, startled. The scene cuts to a sequence as he gets dressed. He tries to wear his pants over his boots]
Richard: I should have put the pants on first. Oh, forget it.
[He kicks down the door and leaves the house to get in his car, screaming and brandishing a feather duster and a broom]
Gaylord Robinson: Cover your eyes, Margaret, the neighbor's going to the store again.
Richard: [Starts the car] Onwards, Cartax!
Narrator: And so our hero begins his journey through the perilous kingdom of Elmore.
Richard: Go, Cartax, go! Go!
[Richard is seen driving on a mountain road, before it is revealed he is stuck in a traffic jam]
Richard:Go! Go!

The Oracle of Suburbia

[Some time later, he traverses a misty area in town]
Narrator: After many miles, our warrior reaches the territory of the oracle of suburbia.
[The car's hazard lights turn on]
Richard: What is it, Cartax? Your hazard lights are on. Is there danger ahead?
[Mrs. Jötunheim suddenly appears in the middle of the road]
Richard: [Thrown out of the car as he brakes] Ah! Who goes there?! Where are you?
Mrs. Jötunheim: Down here. [Shouting dramatically] Turn back or perish! Your quest for mayo is doomed!
Richard: How do you know about my quest?
Mrs. Jötunheim: Underpants don't have pockets. [Points to the list poking out of Richard's clothes] But I can also read your future, rotund warrior. I will let you see it...at a cost.
Richard: Name your price, troll thing.
Mrs. Jötunheim: I know almost everything... [Takes out her phone] Apart from this: what does LOL mean? I keep getting it in messages and want to use it myself to feel cool, but I don't know what it means.
Richard: [Unsure] Uh, it means...lots of love?
Mrs. Jötunheim: Thank you. [Typing on her phone] "Dear master of the Dark Arts, sorry to hear about your mother, LOL." Now kneel before me.
[Richard kneels, allowing Mrs. Jötunheim to place her hand on his forehead. A vision in black and white shows Richard walking down the street, then a building on fire, a roaring T-Rex, and finally the side of a car being splattered]
Mrs. Jötunheim: Many of Elmore's unemployed heroes went to the supermarket, and never came back.
Richard: You don't mean...
Mrs. Jötunheim: Yes, they got hired and now work there.
Richard: I do not scare so easily, goblin-head, [He gets in his car] for I am totally unemployable! [Drives off]
Mrs. Jötunheim: Then may the spirits be with you and your journey, destroyer of burgers. [Her phone rings] Master of the Dark Arts... [Reading text] Ah, bummer. [Receives an electric shock]

The Trolls of the Toll Booth

[Richard keeps driving until he reaches a toll booth. A guard closes the barrier in front of him]
Guard: If you wish to pass the gates of old, you must first cross our palms with gold.
Richard: What?
Guard: We be the trolls of this toll booth. Pay for your passage or lose a tooth.
Richard: I still don't get it, are you speaking English?
Guard: Ugh. It's twenty-five cents to go through.
Richard: What?! Are you highway bandits?!
Guard: Technically we are at the service of the government, but basically yes.
Richard: Then feel my wrath!
[Richard closes the window on the guard's hand]
Guard: My hand!
[He sprays the guard's face with washer fluid, causing him to fall over]
Guard: Ah, my eye!
Richard: Go, Cartax, go!
[Richard drives through the gate. More guards appear and throw tickets at the car, covering the windshield]
Richard: Toll penalty tickets!
[Richard opens the hood, which blocks most of the tickets. A giant guard stands in his way, but when it seems Richard is going to joust with him, he throws his broom at a nearby lamppost. He then turns on the headlights, blinding the guard]
Richard: Psyche!
[Richard drives past the guard just before the lamppost falls down and knocks him out]

A Noble Sacrifice

[A map shows the different areas Richard has crossed]
Narrator: Our warrior continued his journey through the kingdom. He almost broke his wrist honking too much in the Valley of Car-tastrophia. He fought for a long time to escape the deadly vortex of the drive-through window, where your worst enemy is yourself, until he made it to the dreaded Swamps of Asphalt.
[Richard drives slowly on a road which appears to be under construction. The wheels of his car start sinking in the asphalt]
Richard: No, we cannot continue this way, Cartax. We must turn back. But at least the tension hasn't been artificially heightened by having that precariously balanced tree fall and block our way.
[Richard goes in reverse, but has to brake when the tree falls down on the road]
Richard: No! The tension has heightened now that the precariously balanced tree has fallen and blocked our way!
[Cartax neighs]
Richard: What's that, Cartax? Can I please stop stating the obvious?
[Cartax neighs again]
Richard: What's that, Cartax? There is another solution?
[Cartax neighs again before driving at full speed onto a slope]
Richard: [Gasps] Cartax, no!
[The car flies over the pool of asphalt for a short moment before dropping straight into it]
Richard: Don't move, I'll find a solution! [Walks out of the car] What's that, Cartax? Use that plank? Yes, of course! [Grabs a plank and throws it at the car, causing it to neigh] Cartax, language!
[Cartax neighs as it sinks into the asphalt]
Richard: Oh, you meant put it under the tires. Right. Cartax, no! I don't wanna say goodbye! [Tears up] I blblblbl love you too! I blblblbl love you too! [Sobs]
[Eventually, the car sinks completely and disappears]
Richard: NOOOO!

To the Supermarket

[Richard continues on foot, exhausted]
Narrator: Alone, the warrior continued his journey. Many hours he walked to cover the hundred yards leading to his final destination: the supermarket—but there was nothing special on offer here.
[Richard makes it to the supermarket, which is on fire and partially destroyed. Richard notices Larry's hand rising from a pile of debris, and helps him out of it]
Richard: Larry... Which aisle is the mayo in?
Larry: It's gone. It's all gone.
Richard: Don't exaggerate, Larry, there's still a good third of it burning. What happened?
Larry: The beast discovered the power of coupons. It bided its time stockpiling them, then it shopped us to oblivion.
[A short sequence shows a T-rex taking everything in the store]
Larry: It bought everything in sight, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.
Richard: Just like the witch's prophecy. Where goes the lair of this beast?
Larry: Surely you don't intend to fight it?
Richard: My queen requires only a jar of mayo, not the head of a beast. I don't know how you do burger night at your house, weirdo.

Retrieving the Mayo

[Richard walks through the junkyard with caution]
Narrator: And as night fell, our weary traveler arrived at the arena, where the final act of his destiny shall play out.
[He spots a jar of mayo sitting on top of a pile of junk]
Richard: [Gasps] Finally, my quest is coming to an end. What was it again? [Checking his list] Oh, yeah. Get mayo!
[Richard climbs up the pile, and takes a victorious pose as he holds the jar of mayo. Mr. Rex growls behind him and Richard turns around, mouth agape as he remembers Mrs. Jötunheim's prophecy. In his surprise, he drops the jar, which rolls down to the bottom of the pile where it is crushed by Mr. Rex, splattering a nearby car]
Richard: Eh, that prophecy was misleading. That's nowhere near as bad as I—
[Mr. Rex roars loudly in Richard's face]
Richard: [Takes another jar from the pile] It was buy one, get one free!
[Richard leaps as if to fight Mr. Rex, but drops down instead]
Richard: Psyche!
[Richard starts running away with Mr. Rex's jaws snapping at him. He hides behind what appears to be a locked door, only to find out the door is the only part of the wall remaining; Mr. Rex looms over and quickly destroys his hiding place. Richard grabs a baguette from the trash, but the dinosaur eats part of it. He tosses the piece of bread at a button, activating a crane which hits Mr. Rex. The crane swings back in Richard's direction, throwing him onto a car: Cartax]
Richard: [Gasps] Cartax!
[He climbs in his car, seemingly about to drive forward where Mr. Rex bares his teeth at him, but decides to drive in reverse instead]
Richard: Psyche!
[Richard starts driving off. Mr. Rex goes after him again but quickly loses track of his prey, making time for Richard to drive around the corner]
Richard: Cartax, go!
[Richard accelerates, using Mr. Rex as a ramp to escape the junkyard]

Homeward Bound

[Richard makes it home, he undresses, places the mayo in the refrigerator, and falls asleep on the couch right before his family comes home]
Gumball: [Sighs] Well, I guess he did do something today: he put his pants on.
[They all laugh]
Nicole: Come on, let's set the table for burger night.
[Gumball takes the jar of mayo, and the narrator starts speaking again as Richard snores on the couch]
Narrator: And so our hero's tale comes to an end.
[The camera slowly zooms out of the house, eventually showing Cartax]
Narrator: To the beast, he is a thief. To his family, he is a huge slob. To his neighbors, he is the reason house prices are going down in the area. But to me, he will always be...my master.
[Cartax neighs, ending the episode]
veTAWOGEPISODESfont Transcript
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