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A Rude Awakening

[The episode starts with Gumball and Darwin sleeping in their room. Loud noises are making the house shake, causing debris to fall into Darwin's fishbowl which gets sucked into his nostrils. Darwin sneezes as he wakes up and breaks his fishbowl, and some water splashes into Gumball's snoring mouth, waking him up as well]
Gumball: [With water pouring from his mouth] What is that?!
[Gumball and Darwin head up to the attic where they find the source of the noise: Anais kicking a wooden column, surrounded by plushies. Soon after that, she pulls out the nose of a stuffed bear, then throws another one to the floor to jump on it and break it. After attacking a few more plushies, she starts punching the belly of a stuffed pig, and grabs its heart (an audio player)]
Toy: I love you.
[Anais continues to throw punches around, and almost punches Gumball. The wind caused by her movement blows against his flinching face]
Gumball: [Panicking] Okay, I admit I swapped your smashed pills for turtle flakes and that's why everyone at school calls you "Kraken Breath!" And I kept messing up your sunscreen when you were born, you didn't really have a facial birthmark in the shape of a goat. I thought if you looked cursed, Mom wouldn't love you more than me! And I put stones in your pockets when you were a baby, 'cause I was scared you'd grow taller than me, which is why you're medically classified as a cephalopod! I think that's everything. You gonna hit me?
Anais: [Sighs briefly, shaking her head] This isn't about you.
Gumball: [Sighs in relief] Ohhh thank heavens. Pshh, Darwin, abort the mission.
[Darwin stands behind Anais, preparing to hit her with a shovel. He throws it aside]
Darwin: So, if you're not angry at Gumball, who are you angry at?
Anais: Some kid at school. He's gonna wish he'd never been born.
[Anais continues to beat up the pillar]
Gumball: [Picks Anais up] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, you can't just go into school and beat up kids you don't like. If we resort to violence, we're no better than beasts.
Darwin: Like wolves, or bears, or eagles!
Gumball: Which are actually pretty rad animals... But do you know what these awesome animals would say about this? They would say [Makes animal noises] Which probably means: violence is not the answer!
Anais: But—
Gumball: No! You're gonna patch things up with this pest, with the help of your big brother!

Violence

[The three Wattersons are walking down the hallway just after the school bell rings]
Gumball: Okay, first I want you to learn what it means to hurt someone.
Anais: I'm the one who—
Gumball: No arguing! You wanna use violence? Then first you need to understand how it makes people feel!
Anais: Wait, what?
Darwin: Hit 'im.
Anais: Guys, you don't understand.
Gumball: Do it!
[Darwin grabs Anais' hand and forces her to slap Gumball]
Gumball: [Dramatically] Oh, I feel pain! But also sorrow. Isn't there a better solution to our problem?
[Darwin grabs Anais entirely and throws her on top of Gumball, who screams in pain]
Gumball: The violence inflicted upon me has instilled a rage. That can only lead to more violence.
[This time, Gumball picks up Anais, and uses her like a baton to hit Darwin. Darwin moans dramatically]
Darwin: As an innocent bystander I feel unjustly hurt. The violence has now become...a vicious circle!
[Again, they use her limp arms to slap each other. The action escalates into Anais becoming a small, involuntary chain-slapping tornado]
Gumball: See what happens when you let yourself be an instrument of violence?! Everyone gets hurt!
Anais: [Still spinning] You don't understand! I'm the one who's getting picked on!
[Gumball grabs Anais by the cheeks to abruptly stop the spin]
Gumball: Then forget everything I said.
[Gumball transforms into a Super Saiyan, including the art style of the referenced anime]
Gumball: LET'S NAIL THIS GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
Darwin: Come on man, we both know this is just posturing.
Gumball: [Reverts back to his base form] Yeah, but I thought you might buy it if I went big. Let's just try to find an actual solution.

Solutions

[The scene changes to the library, where Gumball is taking a printout from a printer by the computers]
Gumball: Okay, I printed off a list of solutions for dealing with pests, from the experts on Elmopedia.
Anais: [Dismissively] Who wrote it?
Darwin: Whoever logged into the webpage within the last three minutes.
Anais: That could be anyone, how do we know they're an expert?
Darwin: Don't worry, on the Internet, everyone's an expert.
Gumball: Solution number one: You need to stop feeling powerless.
[Anais picks up a hardcover book and effortlessly tears it in half]
Gumball: Solution number two: If they're getting you down, try boosting your self-esteem.
[The scene changes. They are now standing by the mirrors and sinks in a school dressing room]
Gumball: So, Anais, look at yourself. What do you see?
Anais: Nothing.
[Anais is too short to look into the mirror, so Darwin puts her on top of the sink]
Gumball: Now, what do you see?
Anais: [Sighs briefly] I see an ugly drooling rabbit.
Gumball: [Gasps] That's not true.
[As she points, Gumball notices the drawing of an ugly rabbit with Anais' name written underneath taped to the locker behind them]
Gumball: Oh.
[Gumball draws some squiggly lines around the rabbit drawing, presumably sun rays]
Gumball: [Dreamily] What I see is a radiant little girl.
Anais: [Bluntly] Or a really smelly one.
[Gumball adds to the drawing an open mouth with a few teeth showing]
Gumball: A young lady who smiles at life.
Anais: In spite of her really poor dental hygiene.
[Gumball adds large pupils to the eyes of the drawing... both looking in different directions]
Gumball: A girl who confidently looks to the future.
Anais: And the past at the same time.
[Anais hops off the sink]
Anais: Look, I get what you're trying to do. But trust me, this kid is too annoying. [Anais' face turns red with rage, displaying thick angry eyebrows] Every word that comes out of his mouth makes me angrier that a goat on fire!
Gumball: [Quietly repeating] A goat on... Anyway that brings us neatly on to solution number three—ignoring him. I'll show you!

Ignoring a Pest

[They are now at the school football field. Anais and Darwin stand on the running tracks as Gumball sits cross-legged on the grass in front of them, in a meditation pose]
Gumball: I am entering a state of calm, where no words or actions can harm me... [Sunshine and rainbows on a little Zen-like island appear behind him] Go on, try me... [The view shifts to Anais and Darwin who are yelling and waving their arms at him, unheard] No matter what you say, I cannot be affected... [Anais and Darwin point to something offscreen. Gumball, in his own world, is surrounded by the chirps of birds and gently falling petals] You can scream as much as you like, but nothing—
[Gumball gets swept away by a passing group of muscly football players. They sweep back and drop a beaten-up Gumball at the same place, his meditation pose surprisingly unchanged]
Gumball: [Painfully] As I was—
[A football lands right next to Gumball, and a nearby jock accidentally kicks him off instead]

Avoiding a Pest

[The scene changes to the school playground. Anais is picking up pieces of Gumball, which are scattered all around, as Darwin reads from the printout]
Darwin: Solution four: Try to avoid the person who has upset you.
Anais: How? We're in the same school.
[Anais attaches Gumball's tail back onto his body. Darwin plops Gumball's head on his shoulders]
Darwin: Simple, you just stay twenty feet away from him at all times, like this. [Darwin walks a few steps away] Now take a step.
[Anais takes a step. Darwin matches her stride to preserve the distance between them]
Darwin: See? There's nothing you can do to hurt me from this distance.
[The school bell rings and they begin to walk towards the building, with Darwin keeping his distance and watching Anais]
Darwin: This is absolutely safe. There is no way you can—
[Darwin walks into the basketball pole. The metal hoop falls on his head and knocks him out cold]

Asking Authority

[The scene changes to show Gumball and Anais in Miss Simian's empty classroom]
Gumball: Solution number five: Ask an authority figure for help.
[Darwin is shown outside the classroom window, teetering on tall stilts he has made by strapping together gardening and janitorial equipment. He is trying to commit to his "twenty feet away" rule]
Darwin: Aw man, why didn't they make that solution number one?
Lucy Simian: Very well, what's the problem with this kid bothering you?
Anais: He doesn't like me.
Lucy Simian: [Sarcastically] I see... Well there must be something in this rule book for when people don't like you! [She throws a thick book onto her desk and flips through the pages] Weird, there's nothing! How about a rule against you ever having to face disappointment?! [Flips through again] No? Maybe one about over-protected little snowflakes who need to be shielded from the real world!
Gumball: Okay, we get it. But please, this kid's horrible!
Lucy Simian: [Slamming shut the book] You wanna see horrible? [Miss Simian points to a large scar behind her head] Two million years ago. Bashed on the head with a rock by two Homo erectus parents because I taught their kid how to make fire. [Miss Simian puts her leg on the table and slightly pulls up her skirt to show another large scar on her knee] Four thousand years ago. Got chased out of the tribe for trying to integrate the wheel into the curriculum. [Miss Simian stands up with her back to the window and raises up her skirt to reveal her rear] On the day of Columbus' arrival...
Gumball: Uh, forget it!
[Gumball and Anais proceed to leave classroom]
Lucy Simian: ...I fell over on a wet floor. The timing was just coincidence but it still really hurt.
[As Miss Simian sits down, Darwin can be seen through the window with a pale, terrified face. He faints and falls off his stilts while Miss Simian shows her elbow]
Lucy Simian: Salem sixteen-ninety-two, witch hunt!

A New Solution

[The scene switches to the school hallway again. Gumball is sitting against the lockers while across from him are Anais and Darwin (side by side again), beneath a window]
Gumball: [Sighing in frustration] There's no solutions left.
Anais: Guess I'll go back to [Angrily] destroying my enemy!
Darwin: And you know the best way to destroy an enemy?
[Anais shows a karate chop]
Darwin: No, I mean to make sure they stop.
[Anais thrusts a knee between her out held arms, simultaneously pulling them back]
Darwin: No, I mean to get rid of him forever.
[Anais makes a number of gestures including her typing on a keyboard and a missile being dropped]
Gumball: What was that?
Anais: A tactical satellite attack.
Darwin: No Anais, the only way to destroy an enemy forever [Sweetly] is to make them your friend.

The Pest Himself

[As the lunch bell rings, Gumball, Darwin and Anais throw open the cafeteria doors, looking nervous]
Gumball: [Nervously] Alright, let's make friends with this monster. Where is he?
[Anais points and then the audience is shown Billy, sitting at a table next to Bobert and an Egghead]
Darwin: DUN DUN DUUN!
Gumball: Actually, let's do that again.
[Anais points and the audience is again shown Billy, sitting at the table]
Darwin: [Imitating a trombone sound] Wuh wuh wuh wuuuaah!
Gumball: Billy? [Chuckling] Seriously? [Trying to imitate Anais] Widdle Billy? Widdle Billy being mean to you?
[Darwin chuckles]
Anais: Don't let him fool you! He's more annoying than dancing in a shoe that goes "weeh!"
Gumball: [Dismissively] Heh, I think we'll be fine. Also what's up with all these weird metaphors?
[Gumball, Darwin and Anais approach Billy's table]
Billy: [Mockingly] Oh, hello Anais, why do you look so perturbed? Is it a bee in your bonnet? Oh no, that's right, t'was on your test paper! [Billy laughs snobbishly. Anais hisses like an angry bat, sprouting menacing fangs] Oh hello Gumball, nice sweater. Oh, twenty-eleven called and said to keep it, as it wasn't cool when you started wearing it! [Billy laughs harder. Anais hisses louder, with her eyes turning black] Anais, do you not hang out with anyone who isn't a member of your family? Oh no, that's right, you don't have any other friends. [Billy laughs again, clapping his hands in delight]
Darwin: Okay, we were wrong. Anais, destroy this guy.
[Darwin and Gumball hold out their hands to permit her to attack. Anais takes a very deep breath from her nose in preparation, but instead she walks off in the opposite direction and leaves the cafeteria]
Darwin: Anais, where are you g—
Gumball: Right, that's it!
[Gumball pulls off the fur from one hand with the other, like a glove, revealing a skin-colored hand beneath. He slaps Billy with it, signalling a challenge to a duel, and throws his glove on the floor. When he crosses his arms afterwards, his hands are both blue again]
Gumball: The gauntlet has been thrown down — nobody talks to my sister like that!
[Billy pulls off Bobert's arm, and uses it to slap Gumball back, except the impact of this "glove" gives him a black eye. The arm is tossed next to the glove]
Billy: I accept! We shall duel at noon in the schoolyard!
Gumball: [Passionately, with raised fists, as Billy walks away] Alright, let's do this!
[Immediately Gumball turns around and sulks in front of Darwin]
Gumball: [Vexed] I can't do this!
Darwin: What?!
Gumball: I can't fight a little kid, it's not a fair match.
[Gumball straightens up and gasps as he gets an idea]
Gumball: I know!

Gumball VS. Billy

[The scene changes to Darwin standing in the school playground. Gumball hops over to him with great effort, because he tied one arm behind his back and bound both legs with rope]
Darwin: Hmmm. I suppose it makes it more fair, but why the stuff up your nose?
Gumball: Give myself a handicap.
Darwin: Why do you need your sense of smell in a fight?
Gumball: [Unsure] To smell fear?
Billy: [Marching in] Lord Watterson! 'tis time to pay for your offense!
[He shows a stick on the floor]
Billy: Choose your weapon: fighting staff or fists!
Gumball: Weapons? Are you crazy?! Fists, I choose fists!
Billy: Very well, I choose the staff!
Gumball: What? I thought we were—
[Billy mercilessly swings the stick at Gumball's head. Gumball narrowly dodges it and begins to hop away. Billy lets out a half-evil, half-mocking laugh]
Billy: You can hide, but you can't run!
[Billy proceeds to chase Gumball. They head into the cafeteria. Gumball leaps across a table and tries to cut his ropes with a spork, to get rid of his unfair disadvantage. It doesn't work. He sees Leslie nearby holding plastic scissors]
Gumball: Leslie, your scissors!
[Leslie tosses the scissors to Gumball who grabs them and dodges another swing from Billy. As Billy topples over, Gumball hops away]
Billy: Come back, you coward!
[Gumball hides behind a column and struggles to cut the rope with the plastic scissors]
Gumball: Aww man, isn't there anything dangerous left in school these days?!
Darwin: Gumball, use this stale crinkle-cut fry!
[He tosses it over to Gumball who uses it to cut the rope. Billy notices him. Gumball runs away, leaping from table to table as Billy pursues him with swing after swing]
Gumball: Can't we just stop and talk this through?!
Billy: Oh, can you only do one thing at once? Luckily I can move my body and mouth at the same time, so I may concurrently fight you and tell you how badly you are losing!
Gumball: If you want to beat me, you gotta be fast!
[Gumball backflips, hits his head on a table behind him and falls onto a nearby stool, his face getting planted onto the table in front of him]
Billy: Did you mean fast asleep?
[Gumball sits up and unknowingly knocks away Billy who was standing right behind him, ready to strike]
Gumball: Darwin! The kitchen! I need a sword!
[A banana lands in Gumball's outstretched hand as he holds back Billy with the other one]
Gumball: [Sighs] Something more hardcore!
[Gumball shoves Billy aside and catches the microwave thrown to him by Darwin]
Gumball: Okay, something less hardcore...
[This time, a spatula lands in his hand]
Gumball: Aha!
[Gumball leaps in front of Billy and takes a swordfighting stance]
Gumball: [Grandly] Now, get ready for my next move...
[After a moment's pause, Gumball darts away through the door behind him. Billy lowers his weapon for a moment in disbelief]
Billy: Come back and fight, you gutless worm!
Gumball: [Running] Why are you so mean and sarcastic?! Can't you just be nice?!
[Gumball hides behind Teri, shoving her at Billy. Billy simply flips her sideways, as she is paper-thin, and jabs Gumball in the rear with his stick. Gumball resumes running]
Gumball: What is your problem?
Billy: I am defending my honor!
[Gumball hides behind Carrie, who looks indifferent]
Gumball: What's so honorable about picking on a little girl?
Billy: [Surprised] You're a girl?
Gumball: No dude, my sister.
Billy: Oh, yes of course.
[Billy pokes Gumball's face through Carrie, who remains indifferent. Gumball runs off. The chase continues and they clash their weapons as they sidestep down a staircase]
Billy: Need I remind you that matters betwixt your sister and I are none of your concern, you charmless ninny?!
[Gumball then grabs Alan by the string to use him as a shield. Alan is shocked]
Gumball: Dude, it's kind of hard to solve this problem if I don't know what's going on!
Billy: I could write a whole book about things that you don't know. Wouldn't be much use to you though — there'd be no pictures in it!
[As Alan is too high, Billy easily pokes Gumball again. The chase continues as they run into the gym, jump onto a trampoline and grab onto an adjacent pair of climbing ropes. They continue to fight as they swing]
Gumball: Well, if I'm gonna get my butt kicked I wanna know why!
Billy: Your vastly inferior fighting skills may have something to do with it!
Gumball: Can I please just have a normal conversation with you!
Billy: I don't know, can you?
Gumball: Alright, enough. Let's just stop!
Billy: Yes, yes, 'tisn't working anyway.

Becoming Friends?

[They climb down from the ropes and Gumball throws down his spatula]
Gumball: I refuse to fight! [Softly] I believe it was Gandhi who once said, "Dude, don't fight, take a chill pill and everything will be alright." So what that means is, we can work this out. What do ya think?
Billy: [Softly] I think... I think... I think you shouldn't have dropped your weapon!
[Gumball catches the stick between his hands mid-swing. Billy then pokes it between Gumball's hands into Gumball's teeth, repeatedly]
Gumball: Alright enough! [He opens his mouth unnaturally wide and swallows Billy's stick] It's over! Now explain yourself, why do you hate my sister?
Billy: [Sighs in defeat; dramatically] There was once a little boy who—
Gumball: Can we just stick to the subject please?
Billy: The boy is me, it's a story about me.
Gumball: Oh, sorry, please continue.
Billy: [Dramatically] Billy was once a happy boy.
[Billy proceeds to tell a story visualized by amazingly accurate shadow puppets he makes on the wall using the sunlight from the window]
Billy: Mother and papa were prosperous and treated him well, showering him with all manner of gifts and fancies. And at school he was top of the class, with myriad friends. Yes, young Billy had the perfect life. But sometimes, perfect is not enough. One day, he met a sublime young lady, with whom he had much in common. He gave her his heart, but she did not feel the same, and she rent the heart in twain. Hurt and humiliated, poor Billy now hides in the shadow of spite and sarcasm...
[Billy ends his shadow show with his hands clasped together in sorrow]
Gumball: Okay, first how did you do that with your hands? That was amazing. And secondly, uh, join the club dude! [Imitating Billy with a mocking voice] Little Billy's life is awesome and he's very intelligent and rich but Anais doesn't love him, so now he's a broken man! [In his normal voice] Things don't always work out the way you want in life, dude.
Billy: [Genuinely surprised] What do you mean?
Gumball: I mean, everyone is slightly unhappy. Life has highs and lows. And for the record, for most people on this planet, life completely blows. So why make it worse by fighting?
Billy: Oh, I feel rather silly. Silly Billy.
Gumball: That's alright, man. I would bend down and give you a hug, but I swallowed that stupid stick of yours. Do you mind?
[Gumball opens wide his arms. Billy does the same and begins to approach him]
Billy: [Warmly] Of course, it would be my—
[Anais rushes in from out of nowhere and sends Billy soaring with a flying kick]
Gumball: Where have you been?
Anais: I needed a good run up to give him all I've got.
Billy: [Offscreen] Is this one of those low points you spoke of?
Gumball: How many bends in your arm?
Billy: Three!
Gumball: Nyeah, that's about a medium.
[The episode ends]
veTAWOGEPISODESfont Transcript
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The Worst
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The List
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