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Elmore News

[The episode starts with Gumball and Darwin as they sit on their couch, flicking through the channels for entertainment]
Announcer: Thumb Wrestling Federatio—!
Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
Announcer: Señor Tony—
Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
Announcer: You asked for it—
Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
Voice: [Inaudible]
Gumball and Darwin: Hate it.
Narrator: All good things—
Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
[Music plays]
Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
Announcer: And now with all the latest developments live, it's Elmore News!
Gumball and Darwin: Eh.
[A very prolonged intro of Elmore News plays, with the following sequence of texts: "NEWS," "CHANNEL," "6," "ELMORE NEWS," "ELMORE," "6 LIVE," "6 NEWS," "NEWS CHANNEL 6," "NEWS," "ELMORE," "CHANNEL 6 ELMORE NEWS." The intro is revealed to be so excessively long that after the theme music is heard, a loop of the same section of the music plays several times. After the intro, the scene transitions to Kip Schlezinger—now a man made of newspaper—being brushed with makeup by another person; he sweeps it away and focuses on the camera]
Kip: Good evening. I'm Kip Schlezinger, and this is Elmore News. Dramatic events today in downtown Elmore as police sent their finest officers to tackle a robbery which took place in broad daylight. Further proof that our town is no longer safe for anyone, anytime, any day, anywhere, in any way. [Looks to his right, then back to the camera] Anyhoo, our reporters are on the scene to keep up to date with the latest developments. Mike.

Joyful Burger Robbery

Mike: [Appearing onscreen] Yes, Kip. Elmore police received an anonymous call at around one p.m. reporting a robbery here at Joyful Burger. The police responded with a low-key operation, handling the situation with sensitivity and minimal force.
[Ironically, Joyful Burger is surrounded with police cars, officers, and helicopters]
The suspects have not been identified, but, uh...
[Police officers are arguing]
One moment, Kip. There seems to be a development.
[The police travel around the block, in which Joyful Burger is located in, and go to the drive-through]
Kip: Mike, can you give us any more information on what's happening there?
Mike: Uh, it's not entirely clear, but they appear to be conducting interviews.
Doughnut Sheriff: [To Larry] Can we get two milkshakes, two Cronuts, two family buckets...
Mike: Uh, uh, over to you, Kip.
Doughnut Sheriff: ...two triple burgers with bacon...

House Fire!

[The scene transitions back to Kip]
Kip: Kip Shledebergerzinger here. In other developments, a house fire has broken out in an Elmore suburb. We go live now to the scene of the blaze.
[Scene transitions to Mike, running in to report the scene of the fire, which flames onto the Watterson house; police are surrounding the incident]
Mike: [Panting] The firefighters have been at the scene for over an hour and are still struggling to control the blaze.
Voice, offscreen: Send in the marshmallows!
Marshmallow: [Melting] Oh no!
Marshmallow: It's okay, keep going. [Melting] Ohh, no!
Marshmallow: Don't give up— [Melting] Aah!
Mike: These children escaped the blaze. [Interviewing Gumball] Tell us, how did the fire start?
Gumball: [In shock] I saw a spider.
Mike: Fair enough. Kip, back to you.

More About the Joyful Burger Robbery

[Scene switches back to Kip]
Kip: Kip Sherlezingabinger here, and we have some new developments on the Joyful Burger robbery. Over to our eye in the sky.
[Mike, with a ladder leading up to a helicopter, is still in the house fire scene and reluctantly climbs up, entering the helicopter]
Mike: [Pants] It appears the police are still in pursuit of the suspects.
[Doughnut Sheriff races his car through the streets is shown]
With Elmore's finest hot on their heels, we expect they'll soon be brought to justice.
[Doughnut Sheriff struggles with his driving and bumps into a bus; he then gets out of his car and decides to run]
As you can see below, the police are continuing their hunt, despite some members of the public obstructing their path.
[Scene switches back to Kip]
Kip: Thanks, Mike. And, uh, what is happening down on the ground?
[Scene switches back on the ground; Mike screams as he falls from the helicopter. Doughtnut Sheriff enters in, still chasing the supposed victim]
Mike: Well, Kip, the chase continues on foot.
[Doughnut Sheriff falls to his knees]
And knees.
[Doughnut Sheriff rests on his hands]
And hands.

Interview with Al Paca

[Scene transitions back to Kip]
Kip: Kip Shwaaaalalalalaburger here. More on that police chase later. But now to our overseas correspondent Al Paca, reporting from the GB summit. Al, what important issues were raised today at the summit?
[Al Paca, evidently a human, bleats]
Kip: Uh-huh? And what did the president have to say on the issue?
[Al Paca bleats]
Kip: Hmm. And what are the global implications of that?
[Al Paca bleats]
Kip: Thanks, Al.
[Al Paca bleats]
Kip: And now we go live to Hale County, Texas, where a farmer has won a prize for Best Livestock at the county fair.
[Al Paca is revealed to be a man owned by the farmer]
Farmer: I, uh, think you boys might have got a couple things mixed up here.

Even More About the Joyful Burger Robbery

[Scene transitions back to Kip]
Kip: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to leave that story there. We have some shocking new developments in the Joyful Burger robbery. Mike.
[Scene switches to Mike, who exhaustedly runs in to Joyful Burger]
Mike: [Pants] Yes, Kip. The police have called off the search after realizing the individual who reported the theft was an unusually rotund pink rabbit [Showing Richard, at a distance] who deopped a French fry, which was carried away by some ants. Here's an artist's impression of the incident.
[Screen shows a depiction of ants carrying a French fry]
Kip, back to you.

The Big Question

Kip: [Being brushed with makeup] Thanks, Mike. [Sweeps away makeup artist] Now it is time for... the Big Question!
[An introductory clip plays]
And today we're joined by the dean of Elmore University's science faculty. Professor, thanks for joining us. Now, after vaccinations, electric cars, and the dark magic behind Wi-Fi, I guess the big question is: should we be scared of science?
Professor: No.
Kip: More questions than answers there. The debate rages on. Be sure to tune in this time tomorrow for our next big question— Oxygen: Friend or Foe? In other news, the town of Elmore is about to be hit by a waste disposal strike.

Waste Disposal Strike

[Scene transitions to Mike, as he is interviewing the toilets]
Toilet: I just— I think we've all had enough, you know? But we can't complain about it because our voices are completely drowned out.
Toilet: The job can be suffocating, yeah. I've—I've seen a lot. [Sniffs] I've seen a whole lot.
Toilet: I've been working on the executive floor for twenty years, and all I got for Secret Santa was food poisoning.
Toilet: Yeah, the way we've been treated leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Toilet: [Mumbling] I've been promised a dental plan for over a decade.
Mike: The toilet seats of Elmore are expected to hold a protest march here in front of the Town Hall within the next few minutes. I've just been informed that it will now be a sit-in. Kip, back to you.

Daisy the Donkey Meltdown

Kip: Thanks, Mike. Celebrity news now, and the beloved children's entertainer Daisy the Donkey has suffered what can only be described as an on-set meltdown.
[The "Daisy the Donkey Show" plays]
Daisy the Donkey: Good morning, little children!
Children: Good morning, Daisy!
Daisy the Donkey: [Laughs] Welcome to "Daisy the Donkey Show"!
[Children cheer]
Daisy the Donkey: Today I've got a special surpr—
Sally the Snake: Hi, kids-s-s-s!
Daisy the Donkey: [Sighs] I can't believe this. Did you read the script? You're supposed to come in after my line!
Sally the Snake: Sorry, man. I was just improvising. You know, winging it. So kids, is everybody s—
Daisy the Donkey: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! First off, you don't call me "man." You call me Miss Daisy. And secondly, just stick to the darn script!
Sally the Snake: Dude, we're live.
Daisy the Donkey: I don't care if we're live! You're an amateur surfing on my wave! And right now, you're ruining my show! [Pushes Sally]
Sally the Snake: Hey. Did you just push me?
Daisy the Donkey: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sally the Snake: 'Cause I'll push you right back!
[The two wrestle each other with their mouths; their quarrel causes the puppeteer to fall, leaving the crew to have unexpected problems]
Sally the Snake: Ow! My eyes-s-s-s!
Man: Okay, go to commercial. Go to commercial! Okay, go to card! Now, please, now!
[A card of a face wearing a "dead" expression is shown; the show ends]
Kip: Miss Donkey, whose real name is Antoine Perez, has been sentenced to two weeks community service. And now we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that stock markets have fallen, but the good news is that these graphs will tell you all about it in a form of a song.

"Just Give Up and Cry"

Graphs: When things are bad, bad, bad
About to get sad
Don't be glad, glad, glad
We should be mad
We're going down, down, down
We're all gonna drown
We'll all be poor, poor, poor
But wait, here's some more
We're all in debt, debt, debt
And you can bet
It will get worse, worse, worse
Yes, we're all cursed
We are all broke, broke, broke
And it's such a joke
'Cause there's no hope, hope, hope
And no one can cope
We are all doomed, doomed, doomed
Nothing's improved
Don't even try
Just give up and cry-y-y-y
[All of the graphs collapse into a pile which goes on fire]

Nothing

[Scene transitions to Kip]
Kip: Coming up next, we have nothing. We didn't have enough news to cover the whole show tonight, so I'm gonna say absolutely nothing in the cadence of a news story, and I hope I'll get away with it. As I said a moment ago, this is all filler. Let's go live now to our reporter at the scene and hope he comes up with something better. Mike.
Mike: [Walking up to the camera] Unfortunately, Kip, as you said a moment ago, absolutely nothing is happening here. It seems that, for now, there is no news at all. Therefore, I'll kill time by asking the general public what they think about it. [Interviewing with Gary] Sir, what do you think about it?
Gary: What do I think of what? You— You haven't asked me anything.
Mike: [Interviewing Banana Joe] And you, sir, any thoughts?
[Banana Joe says nothing; Mike then interviews the street]
Mike: I was really hoping this would take longer, but since it didn't, we will keep on wasting your precious time on Earth by re-explaining nothing over some random footage of the general public walking.
[Then plays footage of Elmore residents walking around the streets in a time-lapse]
No one really listens to this part of the news anyway, so we should be okay. News, news, news, news. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Filler, filler, filler. Which leads to the most important question: what was the point of all that?
[The camera turns to face the sky; scene transitions to Kip]
Kip: What was the point, indeed. And now over to Barry for the sports news. Barry.

Sports

Barry: Spo-o-o-o-rts! Sports, sports, sports, sports! Spo-o-o-o-rts! [To tune of "Charge"] Sports, sports, sports, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Spa-ba-ba-ba-ba, spo-o-o-rts! [Blows his horn] Whoo! Sport! Sport! [Slowing down] Sport. Sport. Sports. Sports.
Kip: Um, thank you, Barry.
Barry: Spo-o-o-o-r—
[Scene transitions to Kip]

Weather

Kip: And now for the weather.
[The weather intro plays; a man, almost entirely green except for his face, tie, etc., appears]
Man: Thank you, Kip. [Enters in front of a green screen, making him "disappear"] As you can see, the weather today was wonderful. [Screen shows him overlapping a shirtless man] Perfect conditions to take a walk, [Appears on a bald scalp] and catch some rays.
[Kip struggles to control his laughter]
I'm sorry, Kip, is something funny?
Kip: Uh, no, uh, please continue.
[The man's face is in front of a fire hydrant, shooting out water]
Man: Moving on to tonight and we'll see— [Notices Kip, gargling in his mockery] Agh, are you making fun of me?
[Man appears in front of a hanging cow's buttocks]
Kip: Of course not. I wouldn't want to make you feel like the butt of the joke. [Laughs hysterically; gets hit by a cloud-and-sun sign] Well, I, uh, guess it'll be overcast tomorrow. My name is Kip Sherlabulabunudaglabradradingdong, and that was the eight o'clock news. Good night.
[The music which terminates the program plays, as Kip is organizing his papers; the makeup artist persists to paint on his face, making Kip struggle to hinder its action]
Kip: Ah, what are you doing? Leave it already! Ah, just— What is wrong with you?!
[The news program ends, and therefore, the episode ends]
veTAWOGEPISODESfont Transcript
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